i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
