you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
