I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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