Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
