if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
