I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
