I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
