i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
