It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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