alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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