I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
