Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
