his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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