I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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