I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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