went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
