Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
