You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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