The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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