I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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