Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
