I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I forget how to act sober
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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