I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
