i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
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