we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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