You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
