those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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