I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
