Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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