pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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