break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
