You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
