I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
