i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
