Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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