Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
