I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
