True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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