I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
