So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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