i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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