i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
