I'm going to jail i love you
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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