two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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