when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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