Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
