....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
