How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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