I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
