I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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